It's Hard Being A Guy

A couple of days ago, my students and I watched a dvd documentary about V- Day.  V-Day is an international movement designed to end violence against women.  The movement originated from the "Vagina Monologues," by playwright, actress and activist, Even Ensler.  Her original one woman show described  the various experiences of women, i.e. relationships, sexuality, menstruation, rape and so forth, as it connects to the vagina.  In fact, a V-Day movement slogan is that the "vagina is not a dirty word."

At present, all of my students are women with the exception of one man who was unexpectantly absent the day I showed the dvd.  In his defense, the male student did not know the planned subject for the group, as I changed the scheduled events after watching the dvd the day prior.  I decided to show the dvd after a previous clinical discussion when one of the students shared her experience of being dismissed by men on the basis of her gender.

Growing up in family with a lot of outspoken women, I was not completely unprepared for the candor with which the women described their experiences.  I was surprised regarding the commonality of brutality, violence, and over all shaming that many women felt, be they white, black, Latina, Native American, or Asian.  It was rather startling to hear actresses Selma Hayeck  and Rosie Perez indicate they too had been abused.    By the way, while this is not politically correct, and I am embarrassed, somewhat, to admit that I was strangely excited hearing various women talk about orgasms, sex, and other revelatory admissions with regard to their vaginas.  Incidentally, Selma Hayeck is gorgeous!

My students were largely open in their sharing with each other and with me  They had a wide range of feelings expressed through laughter, tears, and silence.  Listening to them talk, I realized have never had the experience of the kind of intimate sharing with men that they, as women, seem to have with each other.  I wondered whether it was truly possible to celebrate male sexuality in light of the way that many women are finding ways to do with each other. 

One of the students dismissed my comment by saying that given the patriarchal system with which we exist (my words, not hers), male sexuality was already being celebrated.  Rather ironic in a discussion regarding being inclusive of women's experiences that my experience as a man would be excluded.  While I understand my student's sentiment, I disagree.  I will concede her assertion that patriarchy is a vile system that oppresses women.  I would offer that it oppresses men, even if women are disproportinonately impacted by it.  I think male sexuality, as it is generally represented in the popular medium, happens within a pornographic context.  At least, that is what it looks like from the Cinemax soft-core porn movies my guy friends have told me about, he wrote tongue in cheek.

The value of male sexuality is reduced to the size of his organ and  his ability to use it well.  Performance, not intimacy, and physical attributes are the defining characteristics by which men are encouraged to understand themselves.  The standard is not emotional availability, spiritual maturity, or anything potential resembling an integrated sense of one's self.  Some mental health problems arise out of the inability to be an integrated self and the inability to then be in relationship with others, because the integrated self is lacking. 

Imagine then the low self-esteem and perhaps the ensuing anger and violence when men act out that cannot meet the standards of being a man as popularly perceived?  What are the consequence of men who are told to sell their soul in exchange for shallow interactions with other men and women.  It reduces a man to being a dick. Patriarch is a system that does not work for  women or men.  Rather, it seems only to fuck us both in the end.

My sense is that when men do share their experiences about life, relationships, sex , etc., it mainly happens with their female counterparts.  And, there is only so much most men are going to say to women about what it feels like being a man.  Besides, how many women are open to hearing men divulge their innermost fears and insecurities that comes with being a man.  I remember once pretending to cry for a woman believing she would perceive me as sensitive.  She saw me as weak.  Then, she got mad when she realized I was just playing.  It was a double bind situation. 

Most men rarely open up to other men.  Men are often very lonely regardless of whom they know and whom they call friends. I am envious that woman are able to relate to each other the way that they do. Despite what I have written though, I am not going to talk with my male friends in the same way.  That just ain't manly.